I saw that President Trump is wrapping up his two-week trip to Asia. Yep, Trump said he couldn’t wait to get home, put on his pajamas, and tweet in his own bed.
During the trip, Trump met with Vladimir Putin. And he called people who criticized the meeting “haters and fools.” Then he introduced his new speechwriter — Mr. T.
Trump said that he asked Putin if he meddled in our election, and Putin denied it. Is Trump the guy who should be leading that investigation? That’s like telling Kevin Spacey to keep an eye on Roy Moore.
It came out that Donald Trump Jr. was in direct contact with WikiLeaks during last year’s election. You can tell Don Jr.’s in trouble, cuz his dad just demoted him to “Eric.”
I heard that O.J. Simpson was kicked out of a bar in Las Vegas for being drunk and belligerent. Wow — just when you think you know someone.
A plane in India had to make an emergency landing after a passenger found out her husband was cheating on her mid-flight. The passengers were like, “Finally, some good in-flight entertainment!”
On Saturday Trump fired back at Kim Jong Un and North Korea after the country released a statement that referred to him as an “old lunatic.” Trump tweeted, “Why would Kim Jong Un insult me by calling me ‘old’ when I would NEVER call him ‘short and fat’?” So in order to prove he’s not old, Trump reacted like a third-grader.
I mean, right now we are this close to Kim Jong Un and Trump doing “yo mama” jokes on Twitter. “Yo mama so stupid she couldn’t get into Trump University.”
Years from now we can only hope that we will look back at all of this and laugh. And we will be like, “You remember that time when Trump called Kim Jong Un short and fat? Haha. Anyway, how long do we have to stay in this bunker?”
While the president is on his [Asia] tour, the first lady is also traveling with him. During a public appearance with some school children at a zoo in Beijing, Melania Trump got photo bombed by a giant panda named Gu Gu. [shows photo] You can see it in those giant sad eyes, like, “Help me, I’m trapped.” Also, there is a panda behind her.
Researchers say that they’ve figured out how to get around Apple’s new face-scanning security feature. They did it by using a mask that mimics the user’s face. The mask they used is made of plastic, silicone, and makeup. Or as they call that here in Los Angeles, a face.
On the bright side, if someone has a mask of your face, getting your iPhone hacked is the least of your problems.
It was reported about an hour ago that Donald Trump Jr. carried on a 10-month-long secret correspondence with WikiLeaks during the presidential campaign and the months following. Wow, it’s going to be awfully hard to distance yourself from a guy named Donald Trump Jr. “He’s not even related to me. My last name’s not Junior. Everyone knows that.”
President Trump attacked his critics on Twitter yesterday, saying, “When will all the haters and fools out there realize that having a good relationship with Russia is a good thing, not a bad thing?” Well, having a relationship with Russia will certainly never be as bad as having a president who uses the word “haters.”
President Trump met with President Vladimir Putin on Saturday and said he believes Putin’s claim that Russia did not meddle in the election. That story again: Bonnie believes Clyde.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said today that he believes the women who have accused Senate candidate Roy Moore of inappropriate sexual contact, adding that Moore should step aside. I’m proud of you, Mitch. That took a lot of chins.
By now, you’ve probably heard of Alabama senatorial candidate and former judge Roy Moore. Last week, allegations surfaced that when Moore was an assistant district attorney in the 1970s, he had sexual contact with a 14-year-old. Which would be appropriate only if he were a 14-year-old assistant district attorney.
To defend himself, Moore went on the Hannity radio show to strongly ... make things much worse. [plays clip] Hannity: “Do you remember dating girls that young at that time?” Moore: “Not generally, no.” Oh, no, not generally. But specifically, you betcha!
Then Moore clarified, “I don’t remember ever dating any girl without the permission of her mother.” Wait a minute. How did you just make this creepier? Permission from her mother? She’s a 14-year-old girl, not a field trip!
You’d think all this would immediately disqualify him as a candidate. But according to a recent poll, Alabama evangelicals are MORE likely to support Roy Moore after sexual assault allegations. Oh, I see — so “Alabama evangelical” is like “Long Island iced tea.” It isn’t what it says it is, and it makes me want to puke.